You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna just wanna give Godzilla an enema… and stick around for the destruction?
Yeah – this is graduation season. That’s the time every year we turn useless students into useless adults. But I got a feelin’ this year is gonna be a little different. Yeah – like Pete, the bartender’s little girl is graduatin’ from High School this month.
He come in the bar last night – he says – boys –you gotta see what little Gidget brung home last night. I go, ‘Oh boy…not another ex-con, I hope.’ He says, No – they got rules for graduation this year. An’ let me tell you – they are puttin’ the clamps down on these kids.
Then he proceeds to pull out a letter each member of the graduating class of two-zero-fourteen got. And he reads it.
It starts – dear member of the class of two-zero-fourteen. Our congratulations for your arrival at this next step on your journey through life. This is a reminder there will be no opening prayer at this year’s ceremony – so that we don’t offend anyone. The school band will not play God Bless America and the audience will not be asked to Pledge Allegiance to the flag – as that flag may be a symbol of an oppressive, imperialist empire to some in the audience.
We also remind you for those of you with speaking roles during commencement – there will be no thanking of God for your success – or for your family. There will be no offensive clothing allowed in the auditorium, including any showing Redskins, Indians, Braves, Seminoles or Chiefs team emblems. In addition, no items will be allowed in the ceremony that may be offensive to Muslims, including ham sandwiches, the Bible…or Jewish people. There will be no displaying of the American, confederate or flag of any other nation which may have dominated an indigenous people at any time.
In addition – when introducing the National Honor Society members and applauding their accomplishments – we ask that the entire graduating class stand up – so no one feels excluded. But most of all – enjoy the day.
Wake up, America. Oh… and PS – please be advised… the restrooms will be gender neutral and may be used depending on whatever gender you identify with during the ceremony. Yeah – I think I’ll hold it. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.