You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna juggle electric eels?
I just wanna give y’all a sample of the brain-power I hang around with every night down at the Duck Inn. So if I sound a little nuts every now and then – it ain’t me. It’s my surroundings.
So okay – last night… there’s this new dude in the bar. He’s kind of quiet. You know – maybe a little bookish… or ‘metrosexual’ for the Duck Inn. But we don’t discriminate. And we got the game on. So Junior Meeker tries to start up a conversation with this guy. I mean – if you’re gonna be in there – you’re gonna be in the family – so to speak.
Junior goes… ‘Who you rooting for, buddy?’ The guy looks at Junior and he goes – ‘I am ambivalent.’ Junior looks stumped at first. Then a light-bulb goes off in his head and he crinkles up his face and goes… ‘Are you telling me you can breathe under water??’
And the guy goes – ‘No, that’s amphibious.’ Junior goes… ‘Whoa – you can write with either hand?’ The guy goes… ‘No… that’s ambidextrous’ And Junior pinches up his face again… and goes… ‘Ambidextrous? Ain’t that where you date boys and girls… and you don’t care which one?’ And the guy goes, ‘No – that would be bisexual.’
And Junior goes… ‘Well, why didn’t you just say so. Listen buddy – if you’re bisexual – it don’t make no difference to us. We don’t discriminate. Course we don’t want to date you or nothing, neither…
At this point – the guy’s getting frustrated. He says, ‘I am not bisexual! You asked me a question about a game. I was merely telling you my feelings for either team. I am ambiguous!
And Junior sets back and says… ‘There you go – breathing underwater again.
Wake up, America. So it ain’t like a MENSA meeting every night down at the Duck Inn. That crowd wouldn’t qualify if you could total up all their IQ’s together. I mean – everybody knows ambiguous is when you got more than one wife. Idiots. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.