If you have a hemorrhoid… don’t tell my wife

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so angry I just wanna smear John Bohner and Harry Reid with a tube of Preparation H… and see if I can make them pains in the pooder disappear?

Yeah – get this – me and my family might have to join the witness protection program and move out of state…  on account of – I got a hemorrhoid.

Afflicted by a hemorrhoid

I know that sounds a little far-fetched… so let me explain.  The last couple months – I got to believing I was afflicted by a hemorrhoid.  But I was not sure.  All I knew was every now and then when I set down… if felt like I was setting on a porky-pine.  That had just come out of the oven.

So my old lady asks me how come I’m all fidgety and grumpy.  I says, ‘I think I got a hemorrhoid.’  And she goes – ‘Well – why don’t you go to the doctor?’  I says, ‘Because I’m not going to spend my hard earned money letting another man look at my butt-hole…  That’s creepy and inappropriate…’

She goes, ‘Then how are you going to find out what you got?’  And I says – ‘That question has been frustrating me since this all started.  Because I have realized as old as I am… I have never seen my own back end.  Think about that for a second.  See, the almighty seen fit to create us with the face and the butt on opposite ends of the body – pointing in different directions.  That is a good design decision – expect for times like this.’

She goes – ‘Why don’t you go to the doctor?’   I says, “Pearl… you women got doctors that poke around in your privates all the time.  You ladies are used to that.  Men are not.  So it takes a whole hell of a lot of pain to get to that point.

She says, ‘Do you want me to take a look? Man – we have reached a point in our marriage some couples never get to.

Wake up, America!!!  This is too long of a story for one day.  Read the next post to find out what Pearl found…  On Pearl Pitts – Amateur Proctologist.  Yeah – it gets even creepier.  I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Pitts Off.

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