You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry I just wanna smear John Bohner and Harry Reid with a tube of Preparation H… and see if I can make them pains in the pooder disappear?
Yeah – get this – me and my family might have to join the witness protection program and move out of state… on account of – I got a hemorrhoid.
Afflicted by a hemorrhoid
I know that sounds a little far-fetched… so let me explain. The last couple months – I got to believing I was afflicted by a hemorrhoid. But I was not sure. All I knew was every now and then when I set down… if felt like I was setting on a porky-pine. That had just come out of the oven.
So my old lady asks me how come I’m all fidgety and grumpy. I says, ‘I think I got a hemorrhoid.’ And she goes – ‘Well – why don’t you go to the doctor?’ I says, ‘Because I’m not going to spend my hard earned money letting another man look at my butt-hole… That’s creepy and inappropriate…’
She goes, ‘Then how are you going to find out what you got?’ And I says – ‘That question has been frustrating me since this all started. Because I have realized as old as I am… I have never seen my own back end. Think about that for a second. See, the almighty seen fit to create us with the face and the butt on opposite ends of the body – pointing in different directions. That is a good design decision – expect for times like this.’
She goes – ‘Why don’t you go to the doctor?’ I says, “Pearl… you women got doctors that poke around in your privates all the time. You ladies are used to that. Men are not. So it takes a whole hell of a lot of pain to get to that point.
She says, ‘Do you want me to take a look? Man – we have reached a point in our marriage some couples never get to.
Wake up, America!!! This is too long of a story for one day. Read the next post to find out what Pearl found… On Pearl Pitts – Amateur Proctologist. Yeah – it gets even creepier. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.