Earl Pitts: I wasn’t Shopping… I was Buying
You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go on the Amazon and go nuts? And I don’t mean America’s favorite shopping web site… I mean the actual river!!
Runt Wilson’s brother, Woody came in the Duck Inn last night… and let me tell you something – he looked like the cat that just ate the canary. I mean he marches in there like a county politician at a pancake breakfast.
He sets down at the bar – and he goes – ‘Earl, you are a fraud, son.’ He goes, ‘I got you dead to rights.’ And I go – ‘What are you talking about?’
And he says… ‘Me and my old lady seen you down at the Walmart last night. And I don’t know how many times I have heard you say – you have never went shopping a day in your life.’ He says, ‘I caught you shopping, Earl – you big fraud.’
I wasn’t shopping… I was buying
Okay – so let’s straighten some points out here. Your actual red-blooded, real American male – does not go shopping. We go – buying. So if you caught me in the Walmart – I wasn’t shopping. I was buying.
Now your woman of the species – shops. They like to go in stores to look at stuff they could buy. That they even might buy. So they try on one to see if they should buy. Then – they spend a lot of time looking around to see if there’s something else – they should buy instead.
Your real man… ain’t got the time, the inclination or the genetic make-up for such nonsense. He already knows what he needs when he walks in the store. So he goes in – and gets it. That ain’t ‘shopping’. That’s ‘getting’.
In fact – a man will say, ‘I got to go down to the store and ‘get’ some smokes.’ Or – ‘I got to go ‘get’ milk.’ A woman says – ‘I’m going shopping.’ They like to spend money – but they just don’t ‘get’ it.
Wake up, America! Yeah – and when a woman ‘goes shopping’ – the only thing she ‘gets’ – is distracted… confused… and way behind on her credit card balance. But if you’re married to a shopper – you already got that. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook. And Pitts Off.