Earl Pitts: I wasn’t Shopping… I was Buying

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go on the Amazon and go nuts?  And I don’t mean America’s favorite shopping web site… I mean the actual river!!

Runt Wilson’s brother, Woody came in the Duck Inn last night… and let me tell you something – he looked like the cat that just ate the canary.  I mean he marches in there like a county politician at a pancake breakfast.

He sets down at the bar – and he goes – ‘Earl, you are a fraud, son.’  He goes, ‘I got you dead to rights.’   And I go – ‘What are you talking about?’

And he says… ‘Me and my old lady seen you down at the Walmart last night.  And I don’t know how many times I have heard you say – you have never went shopping a day in your life.’  He says, ‘I caught you shopping, Earl – you big fraud.’

I wasn’t shopping… I was buying

Okay – so let’s straighten some points out here.  Your actual red-blooded, real American male – does not go shopping.  We go – buying.  So if you caught me in the Walmart – I wasn’t shopping.  I was buying.

Now your woman of the species – shops.  They like to go in stores to look at stuff they could buy.   That they even might buy.  So they try on one to see if they should buy.  Then – they spend a lot of time looking around to see if there’s something else – they should buy instead.

Your real man… ain’t got the time, the inclination or the genetic make-up for such nonsense.  He already knows what he needs when he walks in the store.  So he goes in – and gets it.   That ain’t ‘shopping’.  That’s  ‘getting’.

In fact – a man will say, ‘I got to go down to the store and ‘get’ some smokes.’  Or – ‘I got to go ‘get’ milk.’  A woman says – ‘I’m going shopping.’  They like to spend money – but they just don’t ‘get’ it.

Wake up, America! Yeah – and when a woman ‘goes shopping’ – the only thing she ‘gets’ – is distracted… confused… and way behind on her credit card balance.  But if you’re married to a shopper – you already got that.  I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Like me on Facebook.  And Pitts Off.

• Comments