You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna slick down my hair with lighter fluid… an’ then entertain the halftime crowd with a flamin’ baton act?
I ain’t proud to say this… but me and my ‘ol lady have engaged is lawlessness. That’s right – we got caught…smuggling. I might as well tell you what happened… it’s probably gonna be in all the papers anyhow.
So anyways… what happened was – they caught us smuggling snacks into the movie theater. Yeah – we got caught up in that big Twizzler sting this weekend.
First of all – I disagree with the rules. I don’t know what freedom-loving, god-fearing country on this planet would allow their movie theaters to be a police state. In America… you got the freedom of speech. You got the freedom of religion… the right to bear arms… the right to assemble. An’ yet – you can walk into a movie an’ you ain’t got the right to have a box a’ Sno Caps already in your pocket??!!? How did the founding fathers miss that one???
An’ I won’t even lie to you… we didn’t sneak no box of Sno Caps into no movie. It was a bag of Doritos… a two-liter bottle of Doctor Pepper… a bucket of chicken… some nachos and cheese … a couple of French bread pizzas… and two candy apples. And we would have got away with it too… if that nosy idiot woman at the concession stand wouldn’t have asked to see the baby in our stroller.
Yeah – they must have some sort of panic button behind the concession stand there … ’cause they went into full snack lock-down. You know the ticket –taker at the door… Gramps? He flies into action… he grabs that stroller…screaming ‘candy smuggler!… candy smuggler!… Code Blue!!!’
My ol’ lady… she melted into the crowd in the confusion… I never did see her again. Although I did give her up in the interrogation room at the police station. I ain’t going down for this alone
Wake up, America! Oh yeah – the way the Cineplex is pressing charges… you’d think we were the Bonnie and Clyde of Mike and Ike’s. They want to make an example out of us. Yeah – good luck finding a jury that will convict. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.