You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna stick raw clams down my shorts on a summer day – and let’em steam open while I work?
Yeah – being an authentic and genuine redneck – I am proud to say – I don’t got much use for air conditioning. Back where I come from – air conditioning is fancy cold air for rich people.
Yeah – Back where I come from… on a hot day – you sat on the porch an’ drank gallons of Sweet Tea. You rolled down the winders in your car. And if it ever got so absolutely stinking hot … you didn’t think you could take it any more – you went to the movies.
Fact is – a redneck and sweat – kind of go together like peanut butter and jelly. We just don’t smell as good.
That being said – there is one place where a redneck expects air conditioning. That would be in the bedroom. Because chances are – a redneck is in there every night- laying next to a fat woman. And let me tell you something about my old lady. That woman throws off more heat than nuclear waste. And keeping her comfortable is about as important as cooling the reactor core.
That’s how come out where we live… you’re gonna see one window air conditioner sticking out of one window of every house you pass. That’s to keep a fat woman from going into full-blown melt-down. That’s the redneck China Syndrome right there. And every summer we get this close to what they call – ‘an event’.
Now – the rest of the house – we’re looking at fans. Ceiling fans… window fans… them fancy ovulating fans. Hell – I’d like to try one of those Dyson fans – that ain’t got no blades. But I seen one at the mall – an’ it look like black magic of something. I’m a little superstitious about stuff like that. Anyway – You walk into our house on a hot day – it’s like a NASA wind-tunnel in there. You’ll find the Pitts’… staying cool. And maybe some guys from Lockheed Martin… testing new wing designs.
Wake up, America. Here’s how all you rednecks can make it through another summer. Keep your windows open… and your yaps shut. Good luck – and make some more tea. I’m Earl Pitts… And Pitts Off.