You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna celebrate shark week… by swimming in the ocean… with chum in my trunks?
Yeah – me and the Meeker boys were setting out on Mudd Lake last Saturday. The sky was beautiful… the winds were calm… and the dang fish was practically lining up to get caught. It was one of those days you could see why all the Apostles were fisherman. Because fishing is about as close as you can get to heaven. Leastways – on earth.
And I drew back on a long neck… and I said, ‘Boys – I do believe a good day of fishing is better than making love.’
Well – they’re quiet for a second, and old Dub goes… ‘I do know that after you catch them… fish never want to cuddle.’ And Junior pipes in, he goes, ‘And the bigger a fish is… the better. That’s not necessarily true with women.’ And I go, ‘Yeah – and when you catch a fish and throw it back – it don’t start stalking you – like you owe it something.’
And Dub goes… ‘and when a fisherman gets older… he don’t need no pills to get his rod up in the boat.’ And I go, ‘That’s a good point. Plus… a fish never lays in the bottom of the boat after you’re done catching it going… ‘what’cha thinking…?’
And then we all just got quiet. Every now and then you’d hear a fish jump… or a bird. And little waves would splash up against Junior’s bass boat… and it was kind of rhythmic… kind of lulled us into a fisherman’s trance. You know – the sun-light dancing on the water… the little waves splashing on the boat…
And then Junior broke the silence. He goes…’I guess it would depend on who you were married to. ‘He goes…’ If I was married to Kate Upton or Faith Hill – I would probably sell my boat.’ And me an’ Dub both said… ‘Yep… us too’
Wake up, America. And we all right then and there thanked the almighty for finding us average looking women. So we wouldn’t have to make that choice. I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.