You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna fill my shorts with honey… and then sit on a low tree branch in bear country?
Yeah – I discovered an interesting thing about myself the other night. Me and the boys decided to do a little bowling. You know – leagues are coming up in a little bit – so it’s like redneck training camp. Only – Dub Meeker was driving an’ I didn’t have my ball – so I had to use a lane ball – an’ rent shoes.
First off… is there anything on God’s green earth makes you feel more desperate than trying to find a lane ball that fits? I believe there are only two people on earth got my exact size hand. And the other guy is already using ‘OUR’ ball on lane seven…
But that ain’t what this is about. No sir. I went up to rent some shoes….an’ I was giving ol’ Sylvia up there a twenty dollar bill to break for my shoes. She slides that dollar back across the counter and she goes… ‘That’s okay, Earl… your shoes are on me…’ And she gives me a wink… with her good eye.
I go… ‘Uhhhh… okay, thanks Sylvia.’ And I go back to my lane… and I go, ‘Dub… this might sound stupid, but I think old Sylvia is sweet on me. An’ she just winked at me.’ Dub goes, ‘With her good eye?’ And I go, ‘Yeah.’
And Dub’s brother, Junior pipes up…he goes, ‘You know who’s sweet on you, Earl? You know Donna at the Gas n’ Go? The little short, fat chick…? Every time I go in there… she asks me if you’re still married…’
I did catch one young thing staring at me the other day. Well – I thought. She was looking through me at a guy on the other side of the bar. It was like I was made out of Saran Wrap. I thought – fine, sweetheart – you wouldn’t be ignoring me if you was ugly.
Wake up, America. Beautiful women look right through me. Ugly women pine for me. I’m not sure how to work with that. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.