How to Get Out of Church Fast

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna set up trotlines for catfish in our church’s Baptismal pool?  Well – I figure, if there’s one place you can expect a miracle.

Yeah – my old lady told me the other day, she seen this little six or seven-year old kid on the TV.  This little sawed-off genius gets on the YouTube and checks out new toys.   Demonstrates them.  And here’s the weird part.  Tiny little kid – makes millions of dollars a year doing it.

So that got me thinking.  I got to get on the YouTube and demonstrate stuff.  I would like to be a millionaire, too.

So, I came up with my YouTube business plan.  This is the video series that would sweep through this country.  It’s a topic that I am the leading authority and accomplished professional in.  Are you ready?  ‘How to get out of church fast.’

You know – most of my life – I figured the people setting in the back row at church were there to hit the doors first.  I realized much later in life – that don’t work.  On account of – while everybody is singing the ‘Hallelujah, it’s over’ song…the preacher hits the door.  And he wants to shake somebody’s hand and get a review of his sermon.  First person out the door can often get hooked.

Here’s How to do It

Now me – I have been known to sneak out at the communion, fire up the truck and pull in front of the doors.   I’m like a Sunday church getaway driver.  Pearl and kids get out of church…I hit the gas and we peel out.

Here’s another situation.  Let’s say church is packed and you get pushed into the middle of the pew.  Church is over and the old people at either end of the pew are just standing there and talking to their friends.  On account of – obviously – old people ain’t got nothing better to do.  The question is – is it proper to climb over pews to get out.  The answer is -uh – you’re gonna have to get on the YouTube.

Let’s say, you meandering toward the door in the crowd.  And you see a group of old biddies heading straight for your old lady.  You know if they catch up with her – she’s gonna have to tell them about her mama and her sisters.  And they’re gonna be talking who was setting with who in the front row.  For literally – a half hour!!!  The trick there – is getting somebody with a walker between them women and your family.

Wake up, America!!  That’s right – and my million-dollar YouTube videos will show you how to do it.  If I could find somebody with a camera.   I’m Earl Pitts, American.  Pitts Off.

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