You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna boogie, oogie, oogie, ’til I just can’t boogie no more?
I heard this news the other day – it was of particular interest to myself. Doctors are working on a new way on how to gauge pain levels in their patients. I think I remember telling y’all about me twisting my back funny last year. I went to a doctor – a chiropractor – five therapy sessions. And do you know how they judge how much pain you’re in? If you’ve been there – you know what I’m talking about. They ask you.
Yeah! They ask, ’How much pain are you in today, Mr. Pitts – on a scale of one to ten.’ Okay – nurse. First off. I’m a hard-working regular American man. If it ain’t a ‘ten’ – I ain’t even in here. If my pain was at a level ‘8’ – I would be bowling right now.
Now – I realize the problem with this number system. Being a manly-man, I ain’t even sweatin’ it until my pain gets to 9-plus. But there might be some metrosexual, hipster whiney-butt suffering fool out there – rolling around in bed – clutching their legs – with a 5. Hell – if I woke up with a 5, I’d be going… ’Wow, I got a kink in my back.
So – if they’re looking for new ways on how to gauge pain – I got an idea. It’s not only a number – you got to add a description. You say – ‘It’s an eight. It’s like I was playing leap-frog with a rhinoceros… and he didn’t clear me, Doc.’ See how much more that fleshes out the pain experience.
Or – it’s a 9 – you know that alien monster that popped out of that one guy’s belly. It’s like that monster is inside me… only he’s trying to crawl out through my spine.
Oh, this is definitely a 9.
It feels like Jackie Chan spent all night beating me senseless with bamboo.
And of course – I’d save the 10 for Bo Derek. Yeah – it feels like she walked across my chest – in high heels.
Wake up, America! Yeah – I hope these dudes come up with something. On account of we’re supposed to have the finest healthcare in the world – and my elbow hurts like — a 4??? What does that even mean?? I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!!