You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna gut a reindeer on my roof-top… and leave the carcass there as a life-like, festive holiday decoration. Holiday bonus
Yeah – I think this time of year… every man’s thoughts turn to the same thing. You can’t help it… with the cold nights… the jingle bells and the silent night. People start talking about peace on earth and goodwill towards men…
So naturally – you can’t help but think about the most important thing of this most holiest of seasons. Your Holiday bonus or as I know it, the lack of Holiday bonus.
To be more pacific… what kind of year-end bonus do those tight-wad, cheap-skate, penny-pinching nimrod Scrooges in the head office… think you deserve. Holiday bonus
I mean – you work your fingers to the bone five days a week. You slave with your nose to the grindstone. You show up to work with headaches and hang-overs. You’re in there with head-colds… sore backs. You’re in there every stinking hour of every stinking day… so some fat-cat, clue-less big shot in some corner office somewheres… can earn his million dollar bonus. Yeah – he’s gonna buy a new Cadillac for every member of his family… and maybe a new private jet. Holiday bonus
But don’t worry – it’s not like your efforts have gone unnoticed. Because one day… one magical day…that brain-dead, pin-head is gonna march out of his office seek you out on the floor… and call you by name. And then he’s gonna give you a check for a hundred dollars… and a certificate for a free ham.
Yeah – and he thinks you’re going to crawl to him on the floor… and wash his feet with your tears of joy. Listen buddy – we’re one step closer to death… one year closer to adult diapers and denture cream… and you come down on the floor smiling like an idiot and handing out hundred dollar bills like you were with the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.
I am offended… insulted… and appalled. I’m also usually broke… so I just say thank you.
Wake up, America!!!. And he always says the same thing… I wish it could be more Earl… but it’s been a tough year. He should work for me – I’ll show him a tough year. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Get my new book at Amazon. And Pitts Off.