You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna floss my teeth with barbed wire?
Listen to what happened to me the other night. Me and the boys was down at the Duck Inn – minding out own business and enjoying a few longnecks. And in there comes our women. They had all got together to do whatever women do when they get together. I don’t know. Maybe they were to a Tupperware party. Or there may have been a Male Stripper Review down at the Holiday Inn. It’s hard to tell with women.
Anyway – I got this bright idea when we’re all there together. I says, ‘You guys want to go down to bowling alley karaoke tonight?’
Well, Dub’s old lady Charlene looks at me like I clocked her upside the head with a beer bottle. She says, ‘Earl – wipe the dumb out of your eyes, boy. There is only half of us here are ‘guys’. ‘You guys’ is an incredibly sexist thing to say. I am offended.’
Now, I didn’t know if she was truly offended, or if she was yanking my chain. So, I shook my head and says, ‘Excuse me. Would you ladies and gentlemen like to accompany me to karaoke night tonight.’
And Charlene goes, ‘You are a Neanderthal, aren’t you, Earl? Don’t you watch the news? Colleges are banning the words ‘ladies and gentlemen’…on account of it harms and disenfranchises your transgender population.’ You are so rude.’
And I go, ’Okay. Would y’all like to sing some BTO tonight.’ And Charlene nearly come off her stool. ‘Y’all!!!,’ she says. That’s a southern word. Where they had slaves – you racist!!
Well – by then…I’m running out of words. ‘How ‘bout ‘yins’. And she goes, ‘Yins’ is fine…if you want people thinking you’re from Pennsylvania. Where everybody and their brother is a hunter. PETA will have a field day with that!!’
Finally, I figured it out. I said, ‘Would you – the assembled life forms before me…appreciate some Karaoke tonight?’ And Charlene goes, ’Naw….me and Dub got to get up early tomorrow. But thanks.’
Wake up, America!! Yeah – you could have got home a lot earlier, Charlene – if you guys just said no to begin with!! I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.
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