You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna change Baby New Year’s diaper…using sand paper and turpentine?
Just a simple question I got for you folks today. Why do all you cock-eyed optometrists out there automatically figure any new year is gonna be better than the old one? That’s like going home one night and thinking your old lady is going to magically turn into Shania Twain. Don’t get your hopes up and don’t be surprised if you are disappointed.
And yet – that’s all I been hearing these last couple weeks… ’ Happy New Year, Earl. Hope this year is better than last year, Earl.’
Do me a favor… think back to all the Januarys you can remember. Do you ever recall a New Year showing up… and your life suddenly got any better? It’s not like God is up in heaven cleaning out his in box and going… ’Hey – nobody told me Earl Pitts was praying to win the lottery… How did I miss that? I better get on it.’
Do you think the back-slapping weasel idiots in Washington are suddenly gonna sprout brains… on account of it’s a new year? Do you think you’re suddenly going to enjoy the taste of rabbit food… and somehow you’ll get the will-power to back away from a double-whopper… just because it’s a new year?? Do you think your wife is gonna get skinnier… your bank account is gonna get fatter… and your worthless kids are gonna get any smarter… just because it’s a new year? Well – congratulations – you started the new year… dumber than you look. And for some people – that’s hard to do.
Of course – my old lady says I misunderstood this whole ‘Happy New Year’ garbage. She says it ain’t about things getting better… she says it’s about people wanting things to get better. She says a new year means people are trying to make their lives better… diets… saving money… paying bills… giving up smoking.
See what I was talking about at the beginning here… you think you’ll go home and your old lady will magically turn into Shania Twain. Mine turned into Dr. Phil. Happy New Year.
Wake Up, America!!! Hey – I don’t know if it’s going to be a good year or a bad year. I just know I’m gonna hang on like hell – and hope I’m alive when it’s over. I’m Earl Pitts, American – Like me on Facebook. And Pitts Off.