You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry I just wanna send a tingle up Chris Matthews leg… by using a cattle prod?
Today – I wanna talk to y’all about these back-slapping political nitwits on your cable channels. Do you ever watch these so-called ‘political experts’ – trying to explain the unexplainable. Which to my mind- is anything some dork in Washington does.
I mean – these TV nitwits are always giving politicians more credit than they deserve. Like every move in Washington is a genius calculation. This guy done this… to set up this showdown in the Senate. And this woman done this… to force her opponents to take a stand on some issue.
Okay – let’s get something straight. These chuckle-heads in Washington ain’t that smart. Everything anybody in Washington does… comes down to two reasons. To keep their jobs. And to separate you from more of your hard-earned money. You can forget all that other bull-pucky.
Like we were watching TV last night… and some chin-scratching analyst said some politician was ‘playing to his base.’ So my old lady goes… ‘What do they mean… playing to their base, Earl?’ I says, ‘Woman, each political party got their own base of people gonna vote for them no matter what. For a sample… the Republicans got the filthy stinking rich… the gun maniacs… the holy rollers… big oil tycoons… people who own yachts… country club members… people who own jets… every corporate hot-shot currently under indictment… golfers… lumberjacks… underground militia groups… abortion clinic bombers… Duck Dynasty fanatics… and Toby Keith.
But they don’t got’em all. No sir…The Democrats got their base, too. Dope-smoking 60’s hippies… squirrel-huggers… vegetarians… people driving hybrid cars… lesbitarians… Greenpeace… Ben & Jerry… coked up Hollywood lefties… Peaceniks… the French… People who compost… global warming Chicken-Littles… the majority of your transgenders… and Michael Moore.
She says, ‘Earl… what if you’re a lesbitarian gun owner that belongs to a country club… and you compost?” And I says, ‘Number one – that would make you an Independent. Number two – if you know somebody like that – stay away from them!!
Wake up, America. Yeah – then of course you got the base I belong to. Gun-owning, beer-drinking, factory-working, red-blooded, flag-waving patriots. We get screwed no matter who’s in charge. I’m Earl Pitts – Pitts Off!