You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna goose a moose?
Yeah – lemme ask you a question. You ever seen a magic show… where the guy starts to pull a hankie out of his jacket pocket… and it’s attached to another one… and another one… and another one. And pretty soon he’s got a 200 foot long hankie? Well – had something like that happen to me last night.
I’m afraid to take my grocery store receipts out of my pocket. What the hell have they done to grocery store receipts? Lord – that machine starts spitting out how much you spent… and it don’t stop. I swear – you can go into the store today… buy bread, milk and beer… and you’re going to get a 25-foot receipt.
The dude last night… he started handing me one end of the receipt… while the other end is still printing. I go, ‘What in the tarnation is all this paper…’ So he tries to explain it. He says, ‘Sir… the ten inches is the food you bought and the amount you were charged.
And I go… ‘Okay… what’s the other 37 feet?’ He says, ‘Well – then you have your club card savings. That’s where the computer goes up and pulls down every day savings you enjoy as a member of our exclusive loyal customers’ club. He says – ‘Mr. Pitts – I see here you saved $27 shopping with us today.’
And I go… ‘Okay – so hold on. You’re telling me… some other poor sucker comes in here… buys everything that I just bought… but doesn’t have a club card – would pay $27 more than we just did?’ He says, ‘That’s right.’ And I go… ‘Could you do me a favor… and point one of these brainless, stupid idiots out to me.’ And he goes… ‘They don’t shop here, sir… it’s too expensive.’ grocery store receipts
I says… ‘So – two feet of this receipt is detailing the savings I receive… that everybody else receives… because people who don’t receive them… don’t shop here.’ And he goes… ‘That seems right… ah…’ And I go… ‘Then why don’t you lower your prices… eliminate the club card… and everybody would save. And he goes – but then there’d be no special savings for you…’ Apparently this makes sense in the grocery industry. grocery store receipts
Wake Up, America!!! The other 37 foot of the receipt was special discounts and coupons the computer picked especially for me. Baby food and Midol. The guy said the computer was back one customer… they’re getting it fixed. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.