You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna drop-kick Keebler elves?
Last night – I met the greatest sales person on earth. This person made that Tony Robbins yahoo look like a clueless vagrant. This person could sell dental insurance to hillbillies. I ain’t lying to you – I met my match the minute I said, ‘hi’.
She was 11 years old… and selling Girl Scout cookies.
It was Runt Wilson’s granddaughter – and she caught up with us at the bowling alley. And believe me – Girl Scout cookies are the biggest scam of our times. You get 15-cookies in the box for something like 28-bucks, right? I mean – the people selling cookies at the Mall wish they had the guts to over-charge like this.
The people selling ten-dollar beers at the ball-park could learn a lesson from the Girl Scouts of America. In fact – if it was Girl Scouts selling beer at the game – they’d be $15-bucks a can. But apparently there’s some kind of age rule.
She says, ‘Mr. Pitts, are you going to buy cookies this year?’ I says, ‘Yes, Charlotte – I will get a box of Thin Mints for Mrs. Pitts.’ She looks at Runt and goes, ‘Grandpa – he’s only getting one box.’ Runt give me that look, and I go. ‘And that’s just for Mrs. Pitts. I’ll get a box of Somoas for me.’
She looks at Runt again… and I cut her off. ‘Hang on girl. There’s Somoa my order.
We got dos-si-does for the kids. Two more boxes of Thin Mints to send to Pearl’s mama. I don’t remember every box we got… but it ended up like 18 total… 18 total boxes for $137 dollars.
Mark my words – when that little girl graduates High School – there are car dealers in this town gonna draft her like a Heisman winner. If they know what they’re doing.
Wake up, America! When she left, Runt Wilson smacked me on the back and goes, ‘Thanks for doing that, Earl.’ I says, ‘No problem, Runt. Just remember – next month is Earl Junior’s band-candy drive.’ I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.