You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna snort the insides of Mario Batali’s shoes?
You know – you men out there can have your half-dressed, swimsuit super-models… you can have your racy pin-up girls… and your sexy sirens of country music. I have found a new woman to adore.
Yes – I am in love… with Giada de Laurentiis. And that’s amazing – considering it took me more than a month to learn to say… Giada de Laurentiis. Giada de Laurentiis… Giada de Laurentiis… It sounds like a beautiful lyrical butterfly in a mountain meadow… don’t it?
Now – Giada de Laurentiis is a world famous chef on the Food Channel. So you know who I’m talking about, right? She’s all of about 85 pounds… with 60 of that being hair, teeth and bazangas. Which in my book – is the exact recipe – for the perfect woman.
I mean – you get 60 pounds of hair, teeth and happy, bouncing sweater-monkeys… and the other 25 pounds is hard-core Italian chef. The way I found her – she was cooking on this Christmas show on the TV there. And when she bent forward to glaze a ham in that low-cut top – well, it was like opening a present. That you really, really wanted.
And then I was reading about this lovely vision of womanhood on the computer.
Somebody was asking – how can Giada de Laurentiis cook all that delicious food – and she ain’t porked up real bad? So a Food Channel TV insider spilled the beans. Giada’s got a spit bucket behind the counter… She takes a bite a’ something she just made… closes her eyes… smiles… looks like she’s going off to this far off place of ecstasy… and then they cut to another shot as she hacks it in the bucket.
In my book – even more to love.
Wake up, America!!! Some people think Kate Upton is the most gorgeous woman on the planet. I say – Kate Upton who? I’ll take Giada de Laurentiis and her spit bucket any day. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Get my new book Man Rules at Amazon. And Pitts Off.