You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna scrape the linoleum off a truck stop restroom – with my teeth? I know – it should be illegal to be that mad.
You know how people always tell you signs you’re getting old. People will say -‘Oh, your knees are the first thing to go.’ Or… how your eyesight starts to suck. Or how your hearing goes to hell.’
Well – I am starting to suspect another sign of old age nobody ever talks about. You know what else starts to go when you get old? Your butt.
Now – maybe you are my age and you will understand this. I have noticed for the past several months… whenever I break wind – it sounds different. It sounds old now. getting old
See – when I was a younger man – when I used to rip one – I had all sorts of sounds comin’ out of me. Sometimes it would sound like a highly skilled musician on the bagpipes. Sometimes it would sound like a Harley – downshifting. To paraphrase Forest Gump… a can of baked beans were like a box of chocolates. Three hours later – you never knew what you were going to get. getting old
That’s not the case now. You get a little back-door wind at my age… it all sounds the same. Like an overloaded garbage truck slow-rolling over a loose metal grate. I don’t know what it is… maybe your back-end vocal chords get stretched out over time… and you can’t hit the high notes no more. getting old
You ever hear the phrase… that boy’s like a loose cannon. That’s what it feels like in my pants. I can still load the breach – but it don’t have the same caliber. I even asked my old lady… I says, ‘Pearl – have you noticed a lower tone in my flatulence?’ She goes, ‘Earl – now you’re sounding like an old fart.’
I go, ‘Exactly!!’
Wake up, America!!! Let me put it to you another way. You get old enough – your ace… is doing the bass. It’s tough getting old. I’m Earl Pitts, American – check out my YouTube Channel – and Pitts Off.
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