A New Sign You’re Getting Old

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna scrape the linoleum off a truck stop restroom – with my teeth?  I know – it should be illegal to be that mad.

You know how people always tell you signs you’re getting old.  People will say -‘Oh, your knees are the first thing to go.’   Or… how your eyesight starts to suck.  Or how your hearing goes to hell.’

Well – I am starting to suspect another sign of old age nobody ever talks about.  You know what else starts to go when you get old?  Your butt.

Now – maybe you are my age and you will understand this.  I have noticed for the past several months… whenever I break wind – it sounds different.  It sounds old now. getting old

See – when I was a younger man – when I used to rip one – I had all sorts of sounds comin’ out of me.  Sometimes it would sound like a highly skilled musician on the bagpipes.   Sometimes it would sound like a Harley – downshifting.  To paraphrase Forest Gump… a can of baked beans were like a box of chocolates.  Three hours later – you never knew what you were going to get. getting old

That’s not the case now.  You get a little back-door wind at my age… it all sounds the same.  Like an overloaded garbage truck slow-rolling over a loose metal grate.  I don’t know what it is… maybe your back-end vocal chords get stretched out over time… and you can’t hit the high notes no more. getting old

You ever hear the phrase… that boy’s like a loose cannon.  That’s what it feels like in my pants.  I can still load the breach – but it don’t have the same caliber.  I even asked my old lady… I says, ‘Pearl – have you noticed a lower tone in my flatulence?’  She goes, ‘Earl – now you’re sounding like an old fart.’

I go, ‘Exactly!!’

Wake up, America!!!  Let me put it to you another way.  You get old enough – your ace… is doing the bass. It’s tough getting old.   I’m Earl Pitts, American – check out my YouTube Channel – and Pitts Off.

• Comments