You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so angry, I just want to run a cheese grater over my butt cheek so I can check that one off my bucket list”?
I don’t know why it is, but when my old lady goes to tell me something, she totally lacks the ability to get to the point. A typical conversation starts out with Pearl saying something like, “Guess what Earl Junior done today.” 40 minutes later, EJ’s name ain’t mentioned. I’ve heard half a dozen side stories about people Pearl knew in high school, and I can only hope whatever my son did does not involve going to prison because by the time Pearl finishes the story, we’ll have missed at least three parole hearings.
The other day, we’re getting ready to go to the store and Pearl launched in this long speech about shoes. Why they was the wrong footwear for the time of year, and the fact that I would be creating a bad impression if I wore these shoes out in public. I said, “You want me to change them?” And she said, “Yes.” And I said, “That’s all you had to say in the first place.” I swear, the woman looked at me like I had suddenly started speaking Russian. She didn’t get it… and still didn’t get to the point.
What concerns me most is a possible emergency situation. I mean, if Pearl sees somebody start to throw a rock at my head, I need her to bark out a quick, “Duck,” not offer a 15-minute fashion critique of the rock throwers outfit. Wake up, America. You know they say women live longer than men, and far as I’m concerned they have to, to get all the words in before they die. Hey, if you want more like this, buy my books. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts off.