You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play pickle in the middle – with a hand grenade?
Yeah – you know what I was reading on my little boy’s computer the other day? Nobody’s having funerals no more. The traditional American funeral is going by the way-side. And to me – that is sad.
Remember when you were a kid…and grandpa kicked off. That meant two nights standing around a dead body and being introduced to distant relatives. And then a somber ride out to the graveyard – followed by a covered-dish dinner in the church basement. To me – that’s how you do death.
When we were kids – that’s how we learned about dying. It meant you missed your favorite TV shows for two nights. You wore good clothes, and you got to ride in a car real slow with a little flag on it.
Today – nope, nobody’s having funerals no more.. Today – grandpa mysterious disappears one day and ends up in a vase the next. How did that happen? And then everybody shows up for the ‘celebration of his life’ dinner two weeks later at the Cracker Barrel.
Earl Pitts is going to die ‘old school’.
Hey – I’m gonna put this in my will. I mean, if I ever get a will. Earl Pitts is going to die ‘old school’. First off – I am going to lie in state – three nights at the Duck Inn. And to make sure we get a crowd, there will be door prizes and a silent auction.
Then the ride out to the bone-yard will be a convoy of monster trucks as far as the eye can see. The preacher’s even gonna bring a kiddie wading pool grave-side, just in case any of my heathen friends get took by the spirit and need saving while I’m being planted.
And then everybody’s back to the Duck Inn where the long-necks are on the house. Well -the first two, anyway. We’ll pass out tickets.
Wake up, America! When I die, nobody’s gonna have to guess what Earl Pitts would have wanted. Cause Earl Pitts just told you. And I am – as said future dead person – Earl Pitts, American. Buy my Book: MADE IN THE USA: https://amzn.to/2wKN5Ju Pitts Off.
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