Fixer Upper Shows are So Fake

By on October 31, 2018
fixer upper

You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna spackle all of my orifices? It’s the costly dime you spend on a fixer upper!

I think I have come up with proof-positive your TV home fixer upper renovation shows are fake. They are totally made up of whole cloth. And we’re the mouth-breathin’ idiots buying into it.

Exhibition number one… when Chip says… “Bobby and Kate – this house is $25,000. With your all in budget of $400-grand… that leaves us $375,000 to make this place truly yours.” What the hell is Bobby and Kate doing looking at houses for 25-grand? Bobby and Kate are obviously a little stupid with the money. Here’s a tip – Bobby and Kate – if you started your house hunting a little closer to the upper end of your ‘all in’ budget… you wouldn’t a’ had to pick a house the termites ate the back end out of… and there was a body in the floorboards.

Then They Go…

“In the kitchen… we’re gonna take out the walls… put in all new cabinets… add an island and recess lighting. Add a sky light and a breakfast nook, all new hardwood floors and new appliances. That’s gonna be about $15-grand for a fixer upper.

15-grand, really? Where do you people buy your lumber – at the Dollar Store?
Out where us normal Americans live… you take a plan like that to the Ace Lowe’s Depot… the salesman is gonna retire a millionaire – the moment you leave the store. I remember one time my old lady wanted a island in the kitchen. And some new lights. I priced it out. It would be cheaper – to buy a new house.

And here’s the dumbest thing. They show you three houses. That’s it. You got an all-in budget of $700-thousand dollars… and you get three choices. Used to be – you were watching the TV and somebody gets three choices… you were either watching the Dating Game… or Let’s Make a Deal. That is no way to pick a house.

Wake up, America!! When you only get three houses to choose from… you know one of them is going to be a ZONK… with rat droppings and mold in the walls. No thank you – home and garden TV. I ain’t buying it. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.

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