Yeah – so today is the rest of my story about Jimmy’s funeral. You might remember I started this yesterday… how some woman come in the Duck Inn last week and told us her old man, Jimmy was dead. And Jimmy loved the Duck Inn. Jimmy always said the Duck Inn was his family. Lord – it was emotional.
Except, of course – none of us could remember who Jimmy was.
So me and the Meeker boys… and Runt Wilson and his brother Woodrow… and Pete – we put on the monkey suits and went to the church to tote Jimmy to the hereafter. We’re carrying him out to the hearse – you know… and the family an’ friends was still inside comforting the widow. So Junior Meeker goes – why don’t we crack this sucker open….an’ see who Jimmy is.
Sounds like a good idea. Everybody else is pre-occupied, and we’re kind of curious. So we set the coffin down… right there on the steps.. .and we popped that bad boy open. We’re all standing there looking down… an’ we ain’t got a clue. Either the undertaker gave this guy the world’s worst dead person make-up job ever… or we never seen this guy in our life. And Pete goes…’That’s probably because he’s laying down. We only know him sitting up at the bar. Prop him up like he’s sitting on a bar stool.’
So the Meeker boys kind of bend him into a sitting position. I did not touch the body myself… but Dub Meeker did make a comment about knowing now why they’re called ‘stiffs’ Anyway… I light a cigar… an’ we’re standing there trying to think back to everybody we know at the Duck Inn….
Suddenly – there’s a blood-curdling scream. The widow is out of the church… and her dead husband looks like he’s climbing out of the casket. We freak out – I drop my cigar in the coffin an’ Dub Meeker accidentally kicks it down the steps.
Well – it looked like a soap box derby car… being drove by a dead guy. The coffin slides down the steps… hits the driveway… launches across a hill… an’ into the river. Where… my cigar apparently seems to ignite the dearly departed.
An’ that – ladies and gentlemen is how me and the boys down at the Duck Inn went to a Catholic funeral… and a Viking funeral — on the same day.
Wake up, America. And by the way – if any of you boys that hang out at the Truck Inn Diner are missing a buddy… I think we found him. I’ll tell you what – you missed a beautiful ceremony. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.