You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go down to the animal shelter and volunteer to lick abandoned kittens – because somebody had to? And that’s the kind of guy I am. Earl’s a cheap ass!
So today I want to tell you something. I am, Earl’s a cheap-ass, son-of-a-pup. And proud of it. See – I heard this story the other day – where they asked thousands of Americans – what they pay extra for. All the thousands of things you buy or do… What are you willing to pay more… To get something a little better?
And it dawned on me – absolutely nothing. Hell – I’m a red-neck not a blue-blood. And as such – I have been known pinch pennies so hard – Abraham Lincoln gets a migraine.
Now In This Story
The number one answer was ‘toilet paper’. People will also paid extra for better coffee… Better shoes… And better toothpaste. I think I told you one time how my old lady accidentally brought home a pack of the high class, double-quilted toilet paper. Oh, my goodness. It was like the Cadillac of toilet tissue. Every time I used it – it was like an angel was kissing my butt. It turned my daily duty into a private moment of joy.
So when we run out of that premium stuff – you know what we did? We went back to the 24-rolls for six-buck stuff. And you know why? Because Earl’s a cheap ass son-of-a-pup. And proud of it.
You know that section of the meat aisle… In the corner where they sell all the meat that’s out of date. It’s like a ticking time bomb of digestive anomalies. That’s where we get our meat. And the bread rack in the other corner – where they sell the bread that’s going bad fast. That’s where we get our bread. Last week – we scored a dozen donuts – for 40-cents. Yeah!! We just figured take’em home – and eat’em fast. You know how come? Because I’m a cheap-ass son-of-a-pup. And proud of it.
Wake up, America! You know how some people go ‘Oh, when I die – just put my carcass in a Hefty bag and leave it for the trash man.’ That’s actually in my will. You know how come? That’s right. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!