Earl Pitts: Why does Adult Cereal Suck?

By on November 3, 2014
Adult Cereal

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna choke Capt. Crunch… until his windpipe goes snap, crackle and pop? Adult Cereal

Yeah – my little boy, Earl Junior was moping around the house last weekend.  You know how teenagers get… kind of like a hunting dog with worms.  Moving around like something’s bugging them inside… but they don’t know what. Adult Cereal

Anyways – he says to me – he can’t wait to be an adult – because being a kid sucks. Adult Cereal

So I sit him down… and I go, ‘Son.  You’re probably looking at the awesome and exciting life your old man here leads.  And that might throw you off as to the true nature of being an adult.’   I says, ‘Cause let me clue you in – being an adult ain’t no bed of roses, neither.’ Adult Cereal

He says – ‘You don’t got to go to school.  You don’t got homework every night.  You get to drive.  Nobody tells you when you got to be home.’ Adult Cereal

And I go… ‘Everything you say there might be true. But here’s something nobody ever tells you about being an adult.  Adult cereal stinks.

I says, “When I was your age… I was up to my eyeballs in Lucky Charms, Trix, Coco Crispies, Count Chocula and Fruit Loops.  Every breakfast I got a sugar buzz and a toy surprise.

And you know the surprise you pull out of a box of adult cereal?   The surprise is – they can even sell this stuff.  It’s a little biscuit of fiber that looks like they dried out something the cat coughed up.  And have you ever seen a box of granola, son? It’s like they sifted yard waste through a screen – and whatever fell through – they put in the box.’    I says, ‘When you’re a kid – you choose your cereal based on the flavor and the toy surprise inside.   When you’re an adult – you choose your cereal based on whether you need your cholesterol lowered…  or your pipes flushed  out.’

Wake up, America!   Well – EJ kind of just stared at the floor…and nodded his head and walked off.  It’s like I’m the Kid Whisperer or something.  I know how to get below the surface.  I’m Earl Pitts, America – check out my new YouTube Channel – the one by Earl Pitts.  And Pitts Off.

Adult Cereal

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