Earl Pitts: Pet Parents

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna  go down to the park wearing a pair of rubber gloves…and offering to pick up other people’s dog poop?  What can I tell you – I’m a helpful kind of guy.

Here’s the deal – I have a brand new pet peeve.  I think you all know my biggest pet peeve of all time.   That’s when some poor backward idiot drives a roofing nail through his forehead with a nail-gun – the doctors yank it out – the guy survives… and the doctors say – ‘He was very lucky.’  Pet Parents.

I would submit to you – the ‘very lucky’ among us – have not shot nails into our brains.  The ‘very lucky’ scratch off $100 instant tickets… they’re not spackling their foreheads.

So that’s my number one pet peeve.  Here’s my new #2.   Pet parents.  Have y’all seen these dog food and cat food commercials… where people call themselves – ‘pet parents’?

You are not pet parents.

I got news for you people.  If you did not give birth on a dirty blanket in the back of the closet – you are not a pet parent.   If you did not lick the schmutz off of the head of your baby when it was born – you are not a pet parent.  If you did not lay on your side and let a half dozen newborns suckle from your impressive array of nipples – you are not a pet parent.

So let’s get this straight.   You ‘own’ dogs and cats.  You are the ‘parent’ – of little baby humans.  I know it gets confusing sometimes.   You can go down to the park tomorrow- and you might see people with dogs wearing sweaters.   And little kids – on leashes.  And you’re thinking – what the hell is going on??  Is this person near-sighted or what???

It’s simple – if you got a dog – you ‘own’ a dog.  I do not want to attend its birthday party – and I do not want to see its name on the bottom of your Christmas card.  Why – because it’s a dog. Pet Parents

Wake up, America!   Your dog might be man’s best friend.  But unless you can pick him up by the scruff of his neck – with your teeth – he ain’t your kid.  And quit pretending he is.  I’m Earl Pitts, American… Check out my YouTube Channel.  And Pitts Off. Pet Parents

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