Earl Pitts: Pet Parents
You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go down to the park wearing a pair of rubber gloves…and offering to pick up other people’s dog poop? What can I tell you – I’m a helpful kind of guy.
Here’s the deal – I have a brand new pet peeve. I think you all know my biggest pet peeve of all time. That’s when some poor backward idiot drives a roofing nail through his forehead with a nail-gun – the doctors yank it out – the guy survives… and the doctors say – ‘He was very lucky.’ Pet Parents.
I would submit to you – the ‘very lucky’ among us – have not shot nails into our brains. The ‘very lucky’ scratch off $100 instant tickets… they’re not spackling their foreheads.
So that’s my number one pet peeve. Here’s my new #2. Pet parents. Have y’all seen these dog food and cat food commercials… where people call themselves – ‘pet parents’?
You are not pet parents.
I got news for you people. If you did not give birth on a dirty blanket in the back of the closet – you are not a pet parent. If you did not lick the schmutz off of the head of your baby when it was born – you are not a pet parent. If you did not lay on your side and let a half dozen newborns suckle from your impressive array of nipples – you are not a pet parent.
So let’s get this straight. You ‘own’ dogs and cats. You are the ‘parent’ – of little baby humans. I know it gets confusing sometimes. You can go down to the park tomorrow- and you might see people with dogs wearing sweaters. And little kids – on leashes. And you’re thinking – what the hell is going on?? Is this person near-sighted or what???
It’s simple – if you got a dog – you ‘own’ a dog. I do not want to attend its birthday party – and I do not want to see its name on the bottom of your Christmas card. Why – because it’s a dog. Pet Parents
Wake up, America! Your dog might be man’s best friend. But unless you can pick him up by the scruff of his neck – with your teeth – he ain’t your kid. And quit pretending he is. I’m Earl Pitts, American… Check out my YouTube Channel. And Pitts Off. Pet Parents