You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna snap the tusks off a walrus?
Now – I don’t know if y’all were followin’ the news. But we have been havin’ more than our share of bear attacks in America this past summer and it got me thinkin’. What was it – somethin’ like seven attacks in one week? Lord – if this keeps up at this pace….pretty soon bears will be hidin’ in downtown alleys an’ nailin’ you when you come out of the bank.
But lucky for you – you listen to me. An’ I happen to one of your greatest back-woods, adventure survival guides of all time. I make Bear Grylls look like the Queen mother. I mean – I am like a cross between Grizzly Adams….an’ a ninja.
That’s how come – I am offerin’ these survival tips for you – in the event you come face to face – with a bear.
First of all….I hear all the time – do not camp, hike…or park in the woods with food. On account a’ – the bears smell the food…an’ that’s what they’re comin’ after. There is a flaw in that theory. What do you think is the bear’s number one favorite food? Humans!!
Second of all…I hear this all the time….never, never-ever get between a mama bear an’ her cubs. Wise advice….but honestly….I wouldn’t get between any bear – an’ nothin’. I wouldn’t get between a daddy bear an’ his favorite tree….I wouldn’t get between a teenage bear an’ a bush full’a berries. Rule a’ thumb here – if you see any bear….you are between that bear….and something.
Then a’ course….number three…if you are attacked by a bear…what do you do? There is a wide range a’ theories here. Stand up tall….don’t look’im in the eyes ….make noise…fall into a little ball on the ground an’ play dead. So – here’s my advice – an’ it might be your only chance to get out of this alive….
You curl up in your fetus position….an’ you let that old boy sniff an’ chew on your outsides….while protectin’ your vital innards. Now – just as he’s standin’ over your head….you reach up ‘tween his legs….find his massive hangy-down things an’ squeeze like you never squeezed before. Like the iron grip of the ninja.
Trust me -next time in the woods….he’ll be a-scared to get between you an’ anything