You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna pick up a scary hitchhiker in the middle of the night… with a wild look in his eyes… and a hook…???
People ask me sometimes… ‘Earl, is it ever okay to pick up a hitch-hiker?’
Well – you can never be too careful. There are a lot of crazies out there these days. But at the same time… there’s a lot a’ totally innocent people need a lift. There’s a fine line out there between being a good neighbor… an’ being in a shallow grave somewhere off Highway 19. So this is a tricky question.
First of all – let me just say… the quality of your hitchhiker has gone to hell the past few years. I mean… I remember when your hitchhikers were your hobos… or your dope-smoking hippies… maybe some jacked-up high school kids. I mean… they all put some pride into it.
Today… it’s like a derelict convention out there on the side of the road. And they don’t proudly stick that thumb out like a real hitchhiker neither… giving you the ol’ thumb salute…pumping that sucker for all it’s worth… that arm stuck out like they was working it.
No sir…today it looks like their arm is broke… it’s just setting there…with the thumb half out… They ain’t even got the gumption to degrade themselves with any kind of energy. Hell – I don’t know why I should take the energy to stop…when you can’t even get up the energy to thumb right.
But that being said… I did pick up a hitchhiker last night. An’ that’s where I come to the safety part. I know… I know… picking up a hitch-hiker might be dangerous. But I got a way to play it safe. See – I only pick up people who don’t look as scary as me. I want some loser getting in my truck already more scared of me than I am of him. That way – if things get out of hand in the truck… I naturally got the upper hand.
Anyhow… this old boy climbs in the truck…he’s got a duffle bag with him… says he’s getting out of town. Then he just shuts up… for like ten miles.
Finally I go… ’ Hey, buddy… you wouldn’t be some whacked-out, evil-doing serial killer would you?’ He goes “No…” An’ I go… “Good… cause how weird a coincidence would that be…?”
Wake up, America. I don’t mind picking you people up… I just wish you’d let me slow down before you jumped out. Last I seen him… he was cartwheeling down a highway embankment. Didn’t even say thank you. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.