You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna wait until an extremely tense and dangerous moment… and then sneak up and tap Chuck Norris on the shoulder?
I cannot believe Donald Trump is still leading in the polls to be President. Number one – because he is irritating as hell. Number two – because he’s running as me!!
I mean – look at this. He wants to build a wall between us and Mexico. So do I. He wants to bomb them terror nitwits ISIS back to the stone age. So do I. He hates the Chinese for taking American jobs and making us look like clueless idiots with our thumbs up our butts. So do I. He wears a ball-cap everywhere he goes. So do I. He’s got a centerfold quality, hot-mama looking woman for his First Lady. And I still want to build that wall…
Yeah – basically he’s running as Earl Pitts under a different name… and he’s got 42% of Americans thinking he’d be a good President. I am the actual Earl Pitts and I ran for President five times… and the most I ever got was 42 votes – total!!! This does not add up.
Fact is… if Donald Trump looked in the mirror… he’d see me. Only difference being – he’s wildly successful… and I’m wildly unpredictable… and just a little bit dangerous.
That’s when it dawned on me… the only reason I am not president today… the only reason how come 42% of Americans didn’t think I would be a good president – has got to be – Pearl Pitts. Yeah – if I would have dumped my old lady twenty years ago and got to Faith Hill before Tim McGraw… this very day – I would be checking out books from my Presidential Library.
Yeah – a lot of men get held back in life by their old ladies. Some men never get to buy a motorcycle. Some men never get a bass-boat. I never got to be president. Thank you Pearl.