You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna kick squirrels?
Here’s what’s driving me nuts today – your TV weather. My old lady had some big plans for this weekend – she said… ‘Let’s watch the weather tonight and see if it’s gonna be nice.’
I will submit to you… you can watch the whole dang seven-minute TV weather forecast… and have no honking idea what’s gonna happen the next day.
This is how come you get your weather from the radio. Radio weather makes sense. How hot is it gonna get? Is it gonna rain? Is tomorrow looking okay? And what’s the current temperature. That right there – is a fifteen second meteorological gold-mine!! Everything you could ever possibly need to know about the weather.
Fifteen seconds into a TV weather forecast… he’s still warming up his satellite maps.
Now your TV weather forecast is gonna get delivered nightly by one of two people – it’s either a guy that thinks he’s a comedian. Or it’s the hot chick – weather eye-candy. One – you don’t notice the weather… because he’s tryin’ so hard to be funny – you ain’t paying attention to the details. And the hot weather girl… you don’t notice the weather… because you’re paying way too much attention to her personal ‘warm front’ – if you know what I mean.
And then first off… they seem to take a lot of joy opening the weather report showing you pictures of how beautiful it was – someplace where you’re not. ‘Oh, look at this sunset from Thumb up the Butt, Idaho…’ Really?
Then you watch dancing satellite footage from outer space. A map of the weather in the entire United States…even though you live in one county….is one state. They’ll give you weather history. Like it was a record 101 on this date in 1932. I’m not sure how we’d function without that piece of knowledge.
Wake up, America. Fifteen minutes later – my old lady goes, ‘What’s it gonna be this weekend?’ I go – ‘I have no idea.’ She goes, ‘That’s okay – he gets it wrong all the times anyway.’ Why didn’t she mention that – before she made it sit through it? I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.