You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna play ‘gotch’er nose’ with a polar bear?
Yeah – today I got a serious case of the goo-goo… over them do-gooder, panty-waste, squirrel-hugging ninnies… know’d as ‘environmentalists.’ Yeah – Runt Wilson come in the Duck Inn last night… said he just sent 19-bucks to some bleeding-heart losers… that were gonna save the majestic wild spaces in the country.
He goes – get this…. he says, “Earl… if you turn on your sink and clean water comes out – you can thank an environmentalist.’ I says – ‘That’s fine – but as long as we’re passing along high-fives an’ warm fuzzy hugs… I got some more thanks I’d like to give to them environmental weenies… ‘
If you go to fill up your truck… and it costs more than your first truck payments used to be – thank an environmentalist.
If you’re trying to merge on to a highway full’a barreling 18-wheelers… in a little four-banger that weighs less than only one of those trucks’ eighteen wheels – thank an environmentalist.
If the only way your car could do zero to 60 in ten seconds – is if you drove it off a cliff. Thank an environmentalist.
If you get your heating bill this month… and think for a minute you might have accidentally been charged for heating the Super Dome – thank an environmentalist.
If you go to a national park this summer – and get eaten by wolves… thank an environmentalist. Or at least your next of kin can.
Because remember – environmentalists make the world a better place to live. Unless – of course – you’re a human.
Wake up, America! So thank the environmentalist. They help the environment – and frankly… they’re just a little bit mental doing it. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.