You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go to the old folks home…and sprinkle sand in the Polident?
Me and my old lady were setting in the kitchen the other night… burping, farting and picking our teeth after another one of her famous Sausage Helper suppers. And Pearl says to me – she says… ’Earl, we’re getting old.’
I says – ‘How come you think we’re getting old? Because we’re getting fat, lazy and hard of hearing?’ And she goes, ‘What…?’ I go… because we’re getting… oh, I get it.’ And she goes… ,’No… I was getting dressed this morning… and I realized I got more clothes in my closet from dead people… than I got from Walmart.’
She’s got a point. You know you’re getting old when you start wearing dead people’s clothes… and it don’t freak you out.’ I think this comes from when redneck and white trash people die… they usually don’t got no money for the family to fight over. So at least in my old lady’s family… they fight over the deceased’s clothing.
I remember the first time I run into this… was at my old lady’s Uncle Ed’s funeral. We was standing alongside the casket – comforting the widow… when Pearl’s aunt kind of gives me the once over and goes… ’You know, Earl… you are about Ed’s size’. Yeah – I come out of that weekend with three pair of pants, that green sweater I got… and a rain jacket.
My old lady and her sister Opal didn’t talk one time for six months… because Pearl got Aunt Shirley’s lime-green running suit. I remember how happy my old lady was when we got to the funeral home… and she seen Aunt Shirley wasn’t getting buried in it.
I got two of Cousin Web’s belts… I could have had three… but I told the widow she didn’t have to strip Web in front of all the mourners. My old lady got her grandmother’s collection of seven Willie Nelson World Tour t-shirts. Course my little girl Sandra Dee already claimed them… I mean – once her mama buys the farm.
Wake up, America!!! Don’t think of dead people clothes as disgusting and a little bit creepy. Think of them as hand-me-downs – from heaven. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Buy my new book – Man Rules – today. And Pitts Off.