You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna punch a walrus? And I don’t even know where to find a walrus! My old lady had me running to the store last night. She calls me at the Duck Inn… saying we need milk and coffee. Could I stop on the way home and get some coffee.
Well – I am a loving and obedient husband… Sometimes. So I stop at the store. And here’s my question. Have you been down the coffee aisle at the store lately? Where’s the freaking coffee? Dang them tattooed. yuppie hipsters… they have now ruined coffee.
Remember Back in the Day…
When life was simple and America was great. You went to buy coffee… the coffee selection was maybe ten foot across and you had maybe four choices. Coffee was in a coffee can. There was cans of Maxwell House, Folgers, Chock Full a’ Nuts and the store brand – Piggly Wiggly coffee. Top shelf you had your instant coffees – Tasters Choice and Nescafe. And maybe a jar or two of decaf… for wussies and old women.
No. Today… you got two full aisles of coffee. And it comes in boxes… and little tin-foil bags. They sell bags of coffee in there -I am not kidding you – the beans ain’t even ground up. What the hell are you supposed to do with that. Put’em in a dish-towel and beat’em with a hammer before you put them in your Mr. Coffee? That’s stupid.
An American Institution Lost
And here’s the worst thing about your coffee today. There ain’t no more coffee cans. Even the can coffee now comes in plastic buckets. Your coffee can was an American institution… and an American tradition. The coffee can holds coffee until you use it up. And then it holds parts of your life.
The coffee can in the kitchen holds change. The can in the garage holds bolts and washers. The can by the kitchen sink holds crap your old lady scraped off the frying pans. The cans in your kids room hold marbles… or Army men. I saw a story the other day that said Americans wasn’t saving money no more. Well – how the heck are we supposed to… we don’t got coffee cans.
Wake up, America!! Yeah – next time you’re looking for spare change for gas or some smokes… good luck digging it out of a K-cup. You blew this one America. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off. Subscribe to my radio bits here.