You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna get a part-time job… as an organ grinder’s monkey? Honestly – it doesn’t look that hard… obviously, a monkey could do it.
Yeah – I got a warning for y’all today. Did you see this story that had all over the computer the other day. Some nitwit science geeks somewhere studied the DNA and physical habits of the common house cat. They say the closest relative to the house cat… is the African lion. They are both impulsive and dominant… or cat killers. And this is the big part… these researchers said your pet cat… would kill you… if it could figure out a way to do it.
Of course this is not news… to people who have had cats. We had a cat one time. Lord – it was like living with a roommate who just got out of the slammer. I mean – we welcomed him into the house… and then worried about it until he left.
And by ‘left’… I mean… I believed he had always wanted to see the countryside. In fact – do you ever see those stories where a cat gets lost… travels for six months across three states and ends up back at its home. In that back of my mind – I figure the guy at that house is going … ‘Damnit!!!’
And I recall… now I don’t remember if it was last year… or earlier this year… where this family had to call 911… on account of their cat went nuts and cornered them in the bedroom. They couldn’t get out of the room. It was like The Shining… if Jack Nicholson was a cat.
I remember one time I was taking a nap on the couch. And I woke up… and that dang cat was standing on my chest… pumping up and down with his paws. Now – I thought at the time – it was some kind of evolution thing… you know – some kind of prehistoric thing they do. Now I realize he was just looking for the gap between my ribs to sink his killer fangs. I just happened to wake up – and foil the plot.
And then every morning… we’d find him curled up next to the furnace sleeping. My old lady said he liked to be warm. Now I know… he spent all night – trying to blow out the pilot light.
Wake up, America!!! Every now and then you read about them finding a cat lady dead in her home… half-eaten by her pets. And they always wanna do a autopsy and figure out what killed her. Here’s my theory – her cats. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Subscribe to my YouTube Channel – and Pitts Off.