You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna filter my morning coffee through kitty litter?
Yeah – we had us a time at the Duck Inn last night. I got there late. The boys was already there. But it wasn’t the usual cuttin’ up and high-jinx going on. Junior Meeker comes running up to me before I got half-ways in, and he’s going, ‘Earl – we got a problem.’
He says his brother, my big, dumb buddy Dub Meeker – has got a car key stuck in his ear. And just so y’all understand what’s going on here… I will add the word ‘again’.
Yep – there he is was, setting at the bar – with a car key in his ear. And I go, ‘Okay – let me take over boys. The first thing we got to do is get all those other keys off his key chain, so his head don’t tilt so much.’ Yeah – at the moment – he looked like a gypsy fortune-teller.
I says, ‘Dub?’ And he goes, ’I had a tickle in my ear, Earl. I was trying to get the wax out.’ And I go – ‘That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard…’ And he goes, ‘Right – from the guy who had a Discover card stuck between his teeth last year.’
I says, ‘Hold tight…’ And he goes…’ Oh, and remember when you sneezed real hard at the bowling alley – and drove that tooth-pick through your tongue.’ He goes, ‘Yeah – that wasn’t dumb at all…’
So I grab the key… and Junior’s like…’ Don’t touch it! When you touch it – his truck alarm goes off outside.’ And I go, ‘Well, how do we stop that?’ Junior goes, ‘We’ve been taking him outside… and squeezing his head.’
So it was a genuine pickle last night. We had to de-fuse Dub’s head before we could proceed. I had to pop open his key fob with a bar knife and get the battery out – and then told him to close his eyes and think happy thoughts while I yanked that sucker out. Made that weird sound like you was pulling a long bolt out of cold axle grease.
Wake up, America! It come out like a wax popsicle, too. But that’s Dub Meeker for you. Old enough to know better… but dumb enough to keep doing it. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!