You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna juggle baby porky-pines?
I am sorry if I seem a little bit off my game today. I have been pre-occupied. I have now been fighting with my old lady for the last two days.
Yeah – I told her I had enough. I told her she wadn’t gonna be running my life no more. How is it a growed up man – an adult regular American – and I might add, a honest, hard-working breadwinner… ain’t allowed to wear the pants in his own dang family?
Why do I got to be scared of her? How come she don’t have to listen to what I have to say? No sir – I am sick and tired of being treated like a child in my own house. I think them Muslim dudes got it right. You can’t give a woman too much power… they will run right over you.
What? Did she run me out of the house? No. On account of – I have been fighting with her – in my brain. No if I actually said any of that stuff out loud – they’d probably be finishing up interviews with family members for an all new episode of the Crime Channel’s ‘Snapped.’
No sir – I am too smart for that. I been around long enough to realize the best fight you’re ever gonna have with your old lady… is in your head.
In fact – I been fighting with her in my head – sometimes she walks in the room – and I panic… thinking I might have said what I was just thinking – out loud. Then I freeze… and stare at her… to see if she reacts. Lemme tell you – that is a tense time.
And here’s the other great part about keeping your fights with your old lady to yourself. I find I win almost half of them. That ain’t gonna happen out loud.
Wake up, America! Yeah – I got to wrap this up… because I just thought of another thing I want to tell her – that I’m gonna think to myself. And it’s a good one. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.