You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna host a baked-beans eating contest – in a submarine?
I love my country – but this topic cannot be avoided. Sometimes – Americans are dumb. And I got the perfect example of it.
Last week down at the Duck Inn, Runt Wilson says him and his old lady wanted me and the Meeker brothers and our old ladies all to come out to their house on Saturday night. He says come after dark and get ready to be surprised.
Well – that is an interesting invitation. And to tell you the truth – we were all a little curious. Pearl even shaved her legs – just in case the surprise involved the exchange of romantic partners. Yeah, she’s been losing it lately.
Anyways – we all get there about the same time and Runt and his wife take us out on their back deck. They have got a campfire in the middle of their deck. It was one of them fire-place, fire-pit chimney clay things the yuppies love so much. And they had a couple of Sterno logs in there – firing away.
Runt says…’Boys, country comfort at its finest.’
Okay – so remember when you were a kid and your mama and daddy would be screaming at you in the winter to close the doors – on account of we weren’t gonna heat the neighborhood? I guess now we do.
And the more I thought about it – all these people with all these yuppie, hipster campfire things on their porches might be what’s settin’ off this global warming.
Well – Junior Meeker was the first to speak. He says, ’When I was a kid, my mama used to say if you watched a fire at night – you’d pee the bed.’
And Dub Meekers’ wife Charlene says…’Don’t that fire attract the bugs?’ And Pearl says…’I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this.’
Wake up, America! Hey, let me hand it to Runt Wilson. One cooler of long-necks later we were all making S’Mores and singing about Michael rowing the boat ashore. All the while – warming the planet. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.
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