Butchering The Star Spangled Banner

By on June 9, 2014

You know what makes me sick?  You know what makes me so mad I just wanna give King Kong an enema?   Yeah – stand back!

You know – we’ve been through the all-star games… Daytona… then baseball… the Kentucky Derby…

And  that means over the next four to five months I got better than a 50-50 chance to see something that bugs the living crap out of me.

It’s these ego-maniac, idiot, super-star musical entertainers – butchering the Star Spangled Banner.   I have heard more than one rendition – made my ears bleed.  And several times – I’m surprised the country actually survived…

So for all you entertaining geniuses out there… listen up.   Number one – y’all probably been singing that song a couple times a week since kindy-garten.  It’s been pretty much the same song the last two centuries.  So where in the hell did you get the version you just sang?  There are two songs that should sound the same every time they’re sung… The National Anthem… and Happy Birthday.  And frankly – I don’t get too mad when somebody screws up Happy Birthday.

Number two – there are more than a few people in the stands that would like to sing along… crazy, worthless patriots that we are.    Fact is – I think that’s your job – they even say – to LEAD US in the singing of the National Anthem.   The rest of us are not familiar with that scat, jazz yodel thing you done in the middle there.  Knock that garbage off!!

Number three… please stand there at the microphone with some dignity and reverence.  We don’t want to watch you going through some kind of music fits, gyrations an’ conniptions just to get a song out.  That is distracting.  Half the times we don’t know if we should sing along… or run down there an’ stick something in your mouth so you don’t bite your tongue.

Last but not least… the rest of us would appreciate it if you could remember the majority of the words… and maybe sing it like it was about America… and not you.  I’m probably asking too much.

Wake up, America!   Just remember entertainment super-stars… The Star Spangled banner has been around for 200 years.  And it will be around another 200 years – as long as you don’t kill it.   I’m Earl Pitts, a proud American – Pitts Off.

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