You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna tape a live raccoon to my head…and tell people I’m PETA’s answer to Davie Crockett?
Yeah- have y’all been following the crazy-butt panic over this news nitwit at NBC News? Their news anchor is a serial liar by the name of Brian Williams. And for the last 12 years…this bozo has been bragging on this story where he’s in a helicopter in Iraq… and they get shot down with a rocket-propelled grenade. Only thing is – it never happened. He never got shot down… even though he’s been telling that story three times a week – for the last 12 years.
Now – everybody and their brother has got a theory how come this boy’s been lying through his bright-white, pearly anchor teeth. They say he’s got a God complex. He’s padding his resume… or he’s a serial fabricator that needs to be the center of attention.
I have some other options to explain this idiot. He’s either a redneck… a drunk…. or he’s married. Let’s take the easy one first – he’s married. Let’s say he goes over to Iraq… and he’s supposed to call his old lady and tell her he got there safe. Only he forgets and jumps on a helicopter with a bunch of army rangers. Now he calls her the next day… and she’s madder than a grizzly bear that sat on a pricker-bush.
And if there is one thing a married man is more scared of than a rocket propelled grenade… it’s a wife with a short fuse. He can’t tell her he was riding around in a helicopter. He’s got to tell her he almost died. Otherwise… when he gets home – he might. Then he’s gotta keep repeating that story – just to keep things cool at home. That’s how it begins to snowball.
Or maybe he drinks too much. Have you ever got drunk with a buddy… and that buddy had to go take a leak. And he comes out of the can – swearing he was attacked by Big Foot in there. What actually happened was he opened a stall door by accident on a biker… who yelled and took a swing at him. To the drunken mind – that’s a Sasquatch right there. Add the fog of war… to a couple six-packs… and who the hell knows what you might experience.
Wake up, America! And then there’s always the chance he’s a redneck. In that case – he didn’t lie one bit. He just remembered more than what happened. If you hunt, fish, bowl or drive… you’re familiar with this. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook. And Pitts Off.