You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna rap one of these rap stars… with a ball-bat?
Today – I got a bone to pick with your rap stars… your hipsters… millenniums… whatever the hell you want to call yourselves these days. I’m talking about brain-dead, idiot young people in general. You went stupid and ruined ball caps.
That’s right – ball caps. Your ball cap of today is like the cowboy hat of yester-year. It ain’t just there covering your head – it’s making a statement. And the statement you young people are making is – ‘I’m a clueless, doofuss, nut-head.’
Let me give you some tips. What is the first thing you do when you get a new ball cap. You went to the store and bought one… or they were giving them away at the feed store. The first thing you do – is you take that brand new cap outside into the bright sun light… and bend the bill. You bend that sucker to what I like to call – Ball Cap Rules… and then plop that bad-boy on your head.
Your cap bill curve… is like your woman curves… sensual to the opposite sex. So you – as the man wearing the cap – get a little side-shade on a sunny day. And the women you pass in the street – get a little tingle. That is the traditional, multi-purpose American Man Ball Cap Curve. You got the flat bill – it makes you look like an imbecile. Or at the very least… like you ain’t got your… er… stuff together.
Number two… you can always tell where a man is going… by looking at where his ball cap is pointed. Looking at one of you young people – with your hat pointed 10 to 15 degrees off to one side… is confusing. It’s like talking to somebody with one a’ them crazy eyes. You’re not exactly sure what direction they’re going. And once again – stupid as all get out. To me – it always looks like you turned real fast… and your cap was too big.
And number three – wearing your cap backwards. The only time you should wear your cap backwards… is when you’re walking backwards. Or possibly… making love. I will make that exception.
Wake up America!!! And don’t look at me like I’m some old fuddy-duddy. I don’t make the ball cap rules in this country – I just follow them. And you should too. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook. And Pitts Off.