You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna dust my butt with 11 herbs and spices… and then set in a hot tub full of lard? Hell yeah – baby name!
Me and the boys down at the Duck Inn cooked up a hellacious radio promotion last night. This is going to make Earl Pitts, American the biggest thing on radio in the country. And I’m not going to lie to you – we got this idea from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Did you see this – where the KFC wants to give an $11,000 educational scholarship to a baby born this month. And all you got to do to participate is have a baby. And name him Harland – after the Colonel. Now – not EVERY new baby named Harland is gonna win… on account of not even KFC’s got that kind of money. But every new baby name as Harland gets their name in a hat.
There will be one winner!
And Dub Meeker says to me… ‘Earl – why don’t you give education money with a baby name born this month… as Earl?’ I thought about that for a minute. Yeah – then we’d be playing with the big boys, right? Only problem, I said, was I didn’t have no 11-thousand bucks to throw away. And, at least out where we live… every other child born is named Earl. And that includes the girls.
Well – that makes it Dub’s turn to ponder. And he goes… ‘What if you offered less money – and it had to be a child named ‘Earl Pitts’. And I’m thinking. We’re getting closer – but if you ever looked at a phone book – there are a number of Pitts’ in the metro area. I could be out some cash.
Okay – to make a long story short – here’s the deal. We’re gonna give an educational scholarship of $100 dollars to a new baby named Earl Pitts this month. Just send a picture of the baby to your local radio station… along with a notarized copy of the birth certificate stating the baby’s legal name is ‘Earl Pitts’ – and then your last name.
Not every child can win the hundred bucks – there will only be one. But consider this – every child is a winner – when they’re named Earl Pitts.
Wake up, America! Yes sir – let the nation-wide excitement commence. Boy – I bet this gets me on the Ellen Show. Good luck – and start hatching that baby. I’m Earl Pitts, American. At least one of them. Pitts Off.