Apparently she misses seeing her family – on Monkey Island.

By on July 28, 2014
Columbus Zoo - Monkey

You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna go skinny dipping… in the polar bear pool at the zoo? – With the polar bear!!

Here’s what I don’t like about summer. Like millions of other daddies around the country… this is the time every year – I get suckered into going to the zoo. Yeah – that’s my old lady’s idea of a summer weekend every year – going to the zoo. Apparently she misses seeing her family – on Monkey Island.

Have y’all been to a zoo lately? There’s a big difference.

Now – I like the old days – when I was a kid. Back then – you’d go to the zoo – and stare at animals behind bars. It was like visiting day at prison. Trust me – that gorilla knew who was boss back then.

Yeah – today – the zoo is like the Ritz Carlton – for monkeys and hyenas. Yeah – they don’t have no cages no more. Now they got ‘enclosures’ and ‘habitats’. It’s supposed to relieve your animal stress. Uh huh… chances are whatever you’re looking at is laying behind a log – sleeping. These animals are just riddled with stress.

I seen where this one zoo – I forget where it was – they built giant glass tubes up around the tiger enclosure…so the tigers could walk around the zoo – looking at people. I kid you not – it’s like a giant habi-trail… for a deadly animal. Yeah – that’s kind of cool – until a tiger escapes and eats somebody.

And here’s another thing I don’t like about going to the zoo. It’s your once a year – summertime guilt trip. Because every one of these fancy-butt enclosures got a plaque in front of it telling you how man is killing off whatever it is you’re looking at. You know there’s only 2,000 tigers left in the wild? I’m thinking… yeah, because they’re all lining up to get caught an’ put in the stupid zoo. Look at this sweet habitat we got for them?! Yeah – if we still put them behind bars – and fed them by pushing a stick with spoiled meat on it through the bars – maybe they’d fight a little harder in the wild.

Wake up, America. I think zoos are hypocrites anyways. Basically- they’re saying … there are only 1,500 rhinos left in the wild. So we thought we’d catch one – and show it to you. What?? I’m Earl Pitts, American… and Pitts Off.

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