You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna sneak up on Casper the friendly ghost… and short sheet him?
Yeah – y’all heard them stories about the demon possessed hell house in Indiana somewhere? This little girl in this house was floating up off her bed. And the little boy walked backerts… up the wall… onto ceiling… and then done a triple loopdy-loop an’ landed in a chair next to his grandma.
Now – that would be a pretty neat hoax… if there wadn’t a cop, a EMS worker and a nurse in the room when they done it. Yikes! Yeah – now THAT will make the hair stand up on end… of a bald man’s head. They had to call in a Calflick priest to exercise the family.
But the more I thought about this story… the more I figured out – my house can’t get haunted. Number one – let’s say we got a bedroom full of independent, verifiable eye-witnesses… and my little girl starts floating off her bed. All we’re gonna be doing’… is rolling our eyes and going… ’Honestly – that’s the best you got, Satan? A cliché?!? Oh – why don’t you spin her head now, you hopeless, loser demonic hack!! You’re washed up, Satan!! I don’t know what would happen first… would he get exercised out of my family… or laughed out of town.
And then – let’s say my little boy Earl Junior done that walking up the wall backerts an’ walked on the ceiling to boot. The only reason we’d have to call a priest – would be to give the kid last rights. On account of my old lady would’a beat that kid to a inch of his life if he left scuff marks on the wall.
Yeah – there’s only three things the devil is scared of. The almighty… holy water… and my old lady. And on that last one… it’s him and me both!!
Wake up, America. Yeah – it takes more that the squalid evil of the underworld to scare a redneck. It takes a redneck woman with a point to make. And some people will claim – that’s the same thing. I’m Earl Pitts, American… Pitts Off.