You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna tap dance bare-foot in a room full of thumb tacks?
Yeah – today I want to talk about America being took over. Every place you turn – there’s another story about America being took over by some evil an’ dark force. Like if you go to the movies – we get took over in the future by monkeys. If you watched ESPN this month …they’re gonna tell you we were took over by soccer.
And of course – if you watch Fox News… we are being took over by 14 year old kids from Squatamala.
Okay – here’s the facts. None of this would a’ happened. None of this would have been possible – if America wasn’t first took over – by idiots.
I mean – think about this… you got a boatload of buffoons in Washington… ain’t a one of them there that doesn’t make Miley Cyrus look like a Nobel Prize winner. You follow politics today… it’s like watching 50 blind cats locked in a room together – with one mouse. It’s like all hell is breaking loose… and they’re not getting nowhere.
And in the middle of all that – soccer is becoming popular. Can nobody get their act together – and stop this?? You mark my words… fifteen years from now if we’re setting in a soccer stadium… watching the most boring game God ever invented… and being excited about it. That would be Washington’s fault.
And then… I seen where the global, evil honchos that run soccer… they actually said they have plans to take over America with their sport. And I think I know how they’re gonna do it, too. You start with a million Central American kids sneaking across the border. Hello? Yeah – these kids ain’t escaping no violence. These kids ain’t refugees. They’re soccer players! Yeah – and apparently enough to start a youth soccer league… in every town in America.
Meanwhile – Washington doesn’t notice. Although – to be fair… where their heads are – it’s hard to see anything.
Wake up, America. You know – we got scandals out the butt this year in Washington. But nobody seems to notice the super-intelligent, soccer-playing Apes from Central America. I weep for my country. I’m Earl Pitts, American… And Pitts Off.
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