You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna super glue enemy cats together?
Welcome back to another episode of Pearl Pitts – Amateur Proctologist. As you might remember… the other day I was telling you this story of how come I thought I had a hemorrhoid… but refused to go to the doctor. And on account of I could not see my own butt-hole…my old lady offered to take a peek at the afflicted area.
Let me tell you something. I like to rag on that woman… and make fun of her sometimes… but when you wife knows you are in pain… and offers to look at your butt – you know you’ve got a keeper.
So I go in the bathroom… and drop my drawers – and my old lady goes to get ready. About five minutes later she comes in there. She’s got on a kitchen apron, safety glasses from the garage… and Playtex dishwashing pink rubber gloves. Plus – she’s got a flashlight… five-pages of pictures she downloaded from WebMD… and a yard-stick. I don’t know what she’s gonna do with that yard-stick – but it scares the hell out of me.
She goes… ‘Earl – bend over – I’m going in.’ Let me tell you something – the pain of a hemorrhoid is nothing compared to the humiliation a man feels at such a time.
Well – she spreads the ham – so to speak… and gives out a little shriek. I go, ‘What is it back there, Pearl? Is it a hemorrhoid? And she goes – ‘Earl – I don’t know what you got… but I think it just winked at me.’
I says – take a picture on your phone… so I can look at it. Then she goes off to disinfect while I pull up my drawers. She comes running back in the bathroom – white as a ghost. She goes… ‘Earl… I am sorry… I am sorry, sorry, sorry…’ And I go – ‘What did you do?’
She goes, ‘I think I might have accidentally sent the picture of your butt to my Wednesday night ladies church group…’ And that – ladies and gentlemen – is why we have to move out of state.
Wake Up, America!!! Bad news is… half the women in our church have now seen me spread cheeked in a’ awkward position. The good news is – two-thirds of them don’t think it’s a hemorrhoid. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Like me on Facebook. And Pitts Off.