50 Shades of Black and Blue
You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad – I just wanna jump on the back of rodeo bull… holding the rope in my teeth… and two bottles of nitroglycerin in my hands?
Me and Dub Meeker were down at the Duck Inn last night… raggin’ on life in general… and the un-fairness of it all. When Junior Meeker comes in there limping… dragging one leg. His one arm hung dead at his side… and his face looked like two badgers had fought over it. And the way he was bent over and wincing with every step… you kind of suspected he had blood in his urine, too.
I says… ’Holy crap, Junior… you look like a walking, talking crime scene photo, son. You didn’t start a bar fight again, did you? He grunts – ‘no.’ I go… ’Did you get jumped by some half-wit thugs or some knock-out game yahoos or something?’ and He goes, ‘No…” So I go – ‘What in the Sam Hill happened to you?’
He goes… ’My old lady went with Runt Wilson’s wife to go see the Fifty Shades of Grey movie….’
Yeah – if your old lady sees this Fifty Shades of Grey picture… you’re gonna be two shades of two colors – black and blue. This is one of those ‘your women will get crazy ideas movies.’ She buys a movie ticket and a bucket of popcorn… she comes home… you’re a love punching bag. Remember that movie where the whack-job spurned nut-so lady boiled the bunny? How many men lived in fear after that one? I remember when my old lady and Dub’s better-half went to see that movie ‘Magical Mike’. For three straight nights she wanted me to dance in front of her in my underpants. It was humiliating… and yet, oddly liberating. But still – another crazy idea.
Now they have ratcheted the crazy– this here 50 Shades picture… is 50 times worse. Runt Wilson told me his old lady went to the movies… he stayed home and slept. Until he woke up… hanging upside down from the ceiling. He said by the time that woman was done with him… she had broke three riding crops… and two articles of the Geneva Convention.
Junior says he escaped by playing dead… and clawing his way out of the cistern in their back yard.
Wake up, America!!! Your old lady might get some crazy idea and want you to buy hand-cuffs. I think you should do it. Then hand-cuff her to a water pipe in the basement… and stop her from seeing this movie. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Buy my new book, Man Rules: Manly Advice for a Manly Life.