That’s right… we’re talkin’ ‘bout gypsies today… You know – all them bone-headed crystal ball nut-jobs comin’ up with their lists a’ predictions for 2014.
Well – I got predictions too. Only… them predictions a’ what’s gonna happen – that’s too easy. That’s how come I come up with a list of things – that AIN’T gonna happen next year.
Like… my ol’ lady ain’t gonna lose no weight. Oh – she’s gonna be on five diff’ernt diets… but it ain’t gonna help. I can actually see this in the future.
Kanye West… Kris Jenner… an’ Bill Maher are finally gonna shut up.
Ain’t gonna happen.
Some high mucky-muck evil-doer over there in Iran is gonna come to his senses an’ go… ‘Hey, wait a minute… Americans ain’t infidels… they’re nice people’. Yeah – ain’t gonna happen.
Red-blooded Americans are gonna take the election serious – go to the polls an’ finally elect someone what can solve everything what’s wrong with this country. Ain’t gonna happen. We’ll get another weasel.
Fact is… I don’t know who’s gonna win – but I know who’s gonna lose – us!!!
Britney Spears… Lindsay Lohan an’ Paris Hilton are finally gonna grow up an’ start wearin’ underpants. Ain’t gonna happen. If it was up to these three igits… the Fruit of the Loom boys would be homeless…
Wake up, America. If we keep the faith… work hard… keep our noses clean… an’ believe in the American dream… next year can be a better year for all of us. Ain’t gonna happen. This seein’ the future is a curse sometimes. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off.