You know what makes me sick? You know what makes me so mad I just wanna do cheer-leader cartwheels… in a short skirt… through a mine field?
With all this political commotion… with the fighting… arguing… bickering… and under-handed, weasely cheap shots that pass for political discourse these days… you know what’s missing? I ain’t seen that many bumper stickers out there this time.
I mean – you knew eight years ago – that Barack Obama wrapped up 95% of the Toyota Prius vote. I’m not even sure if you bought a Prius back then – an Obama bumper sticker was not standard equipment. That’s how you figured Obama had wrapped up the granola-eating, gluten-free kumbaya ninny vote.
Likewise… I seen a commercial for Ford F-150’s the other day… said 80% of F-150’s with Bob Dole bumper stickers – are still on the road today. That’s dependability. Not so much the candidate – but the vehicle.
And that’s how come this election coming up is so hard to call. You can’t tell who’s ahead by counting bumper stickers. Which is weird – on account of – this country always prided itself in its bumper stickers. That’s how you knew who believed in second amendment rights. Who believed in women’s rights. And who had an honor roll student at home.
But – being the astute political observer that I am…I have been able to draw some conclusions. Number one – Hillary Clinton has wrapped up the gay and lesbian vote. I base that on one Subaru Legacy that passed me the other day.
Independent candidate Gary Johnson has got surprising support in this town. That’s based on me seeing two different cars – both sporting bumper stickers that said -‘My other car is a unicorn.’ Yeah – keep the dream alive, Gary.
And weird – I have not seen one Trump bumper sticker yet. Although I have seen several cars with their back bumpers ripped off. They could be his.
Wake up, America!!! There’s no shame in telling America how you feel about this election. Get your ‘don’t blame me’ Earl Pitts bumper sticker. And tell everybody – it’s not your fault. I’m Earl Pitts, American. Pitts Off!